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be my escape- relient k
I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.
I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.
I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave
Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.
I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You
So were You
Sunday, December 12, 2004
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I wrote a long entry but my internet connection screwed up and now it's all gone. While I will not be able to reproduce it in whole, I should think that I will be able to at least reattempt to blog down a portion of it.
Recently, I've been in the habit of downloading portuguese songs despite not been able to understand them at all. I think it helps when I'm practising capoeira at home (infrequently). However, I have been unable to find the songs that mestre plays during our lessons. I really should ask him one day, maybe he'll let me burn a copy of his cd.
This holiday, nothing's been the same.
Am I happy?
Life's pretty simple these days, revolving around trainings after trainings after trainings. Afterwhich, I'm usually so exhausted that I can't think straight. I shower, and read until I drift off into mindless slumber. I wake up the next morning with every part of my body screaming in protest, utterly grateful that I've nothing planned for that day. But by now, the burning aches and painful joints don't bother me much except during warmups. I guess we get used to it, if there's such a thing.
Also, I frequent cinemas with alarming regularity these days before training, and I'm pretty sure that I've seen most of the movies that have been shown so far. 2 hours of freedom from decision-making, entertaining weird phonecalls from people I don't know, and the relentless abuse (abeit by me) of this already battered body is a lot of incentive to spend outrageous sums of money on popcorn and pricey movie tickets. Besides, (some of) the actors are cute and (most of ) the actresses are hot.
Whereas I used to be able to spend a whole day with friends, training now sees to it that I can only spend a few hours, or half a day at most, with them. And since everyone has to eat, and since I love to eat, I guess it's no suprise that I also spend a large portion of my time lounging with friends in cafes and occasionally, restaurants.
Occasionally, if I can find the energy (and that's a very big IF), I go shopping with my friends, or freerunning with the rest of the excrunistics. Sometimes, I get together with my cousins and we go for supper or play pool. Most infrequently, I force my friends to teach me to play the drums or the guitar. Though there hasn't been much progress from being music illerate.
So am I happy?
The saving grace of all these activities is that it saves me from thinking anymore than I absolutely have to. I have no time to feel sad, or unhappy. I have no time to revisit the past and dig up the guilt and the shame. I have no energy to speculate or worry about what others are saying. The physical aches and pain serve to distract me from the pain within.
On the downside however, I don't have time to feel happy. Or have the energy to feel excited.
Sacrifies.
They say the pain within never goes away.
I say they're absolutely right.
On lucky days, we just lose track of it.
So I guess I'm not happy, but I'm satisified for now. There's not much excitement or suprises nowadays but that weirdly, suits me just fine. I guess I've had enough excitement to last me a lifetime in the past one and a half, maybe two years. Monotonous and dull are really attractive words right now. Perhaps I'll feel adventurous when the new year comes.
We'll see.
But now, I'm contended with the few constants in my life. The same few people (whom I all love to bits), and with doing the same few things. The idea's comforting.
Maybe I'm getting old. Hmms.
Exhausted, so I'm going to bed. Capoeira was punishing.
